My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
