you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
