I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
