Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
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Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
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Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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