Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
