I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?