If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.