There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I'm in love with you.
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
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I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
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He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.