he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
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My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
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No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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