wanna go halves on a baby?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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