i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
