I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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