...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
