sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Randomize
