So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
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He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
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We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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