the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
