Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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