I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
