You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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