please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.