The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
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its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
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My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"