Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
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I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
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Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.