Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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