I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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