I just saw a hot homeless man
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
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