It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
