I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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