My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
So many bounce houses so little time
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
