the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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