The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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