I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
