Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
