I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I wish there were birth control emojis
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant