I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.