I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
