He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
