I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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