She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
