My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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