WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
