I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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