Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize