All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
