how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Last comment. I know of no exercises, diets or practices out there to help keeping balls young and healthy. They simply succumb to gravity.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
