how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
