i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
