You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
