i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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