hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.