I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!