Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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