you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants