i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
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He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
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oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"