How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
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Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
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It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities