Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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