The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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