If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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